Alyson Paige Ellen

Today my baby girl turned 3. This is something that I have been looking forward to (I LOVE birthdays) and something that makes me sad. Paige is practically perfect in every way. She is loving (the majority of the time), imaginative (always), determined (sometimes a bad thing) and strikingly beautiful. I love watching my children grow up but at the same time, they are growing up way too fast.

Paige is also dramatic in every way. She has been dramatic from conception. First of all, she was conceived two weeks after I had a miscarriage. I should have paid attention in health class when they pounded it into our heads that you can get pregnant AT ANY MOMENT! Needless to say, I was not ready to be pregnant again. I wasn't even ready to not be pregnant anymore. I can't say how long it takes to get over a miscarriage but I can promise that it is definitely more than two weeks. Travis and I had decided that we wouldn't be trying again any time soon but Paige had different plans.

My pregnancy was anything but easy. It came at a time when we were trying to make it as owners of a mortgage company and money was tight. Hudson was only 15 months old and I was an emotional wreck. I yelled at Travis, a lot. Then to add to the drama, I had Placenta Previa, so I had to be super careful about everything. And there was no "mommy and daddy" time for 6 months.

During my "travelling baby shower," Paige decided that she wanted some more attention I started bleeding. Very awkward in the middle of Johnny Carino's. We had to cancel the rest of the shower (lunch, mall and makeovers) and go straight to the hospital. At least my hair and my toes looked good (the first stop of the shower was the salon where I got my hair done and a pedicure.) Anyway, the girls had to take me to the hospital where I had to be on bed rest for the whole weekend. Of course this happened on the weekend that Travis and his family was in Lake Cumberland and had to cut the trip short.

Even her delivery was fairly dramatic. It was a planned C section but there was an issue with the placenta, too much bleeding, etc. Then she didn't stop screaming for the first year of her life.

With all of the drama, it is fair to say that I had a hard time bonding with my beautiful baby girl. I just didn't feel the connection that I had the last time I had given birth. I am not sure when it started to change, I guess it was gradual. All I can say now is that I couldn't imagine my life without her.

Paige is still very dramatic but usually in a good way. She loves to dance and sing. Her favorite song to sing is "I love you, I don't hate you." She came up with that one herself. She wants to be an adult. She wears my heels and changes her clothes 5 times a day. She always wants to wear dresses and makeup and she has more purses than I do. She has never seen something shiny or glittery that she didn't like. Her favorite shows are Gilmore Girls and iCarly. She loves to pretend that she is a mommy and talks about her "boyfriend" which is Travis. If you cross her, she will make you pay. If she has her heart set on something, she won't take no for an answer.

I hope that my daughter dreams big and tries hard. I want her to be a strong, independent woman that will go after what she wants even if she will be disappointed in the end. I want her to change the world in her own way. She doesn't need to have a fancy job or title, as long as she is educated and fulfilled, I will feel like I have done my part in raising her. I don't ever want her to lose her sassiness or spunk because that is who she is. I want her to make good decisions and when she doesn't, I want her to take responsibility for them.

It makes my day when someone says she looks like me. We even have the same mole on our bellies in the exact same place and I smile every time I see it. She makes me laugh everyday and I can't get enough of her kisses. (Sometimes when I ask for one she tells me that she doesn't have any because a bad guy took them so I have to give her one of mine.) I love to fix her hair hair and play dress up with her. Today, for her birthday, we had a tea party (with lemonade) at the Bon Bonerie and got our nails done. (She decided at the last minute that she didn't want any one else to do it but she had fun anyway.) I can't even get mad at her when she writes on my walls 'cause she is so stinkin cute. She loves our new baby dog (that is what she calls puppies) more than anything and has a new fascination with worms.

Paige is my everything. My sun rises and sets with her. I am sad that I missed the bonding with her as an infant that I should have had. I don't want to miss any more of her life. If I could record everyday with her I would. I am grateful for the last three years of her life and if I could slow it down I would. I don't want her to grow up.