Today my baby girl turned 3. This is something that I have been looking forward to (I LOVE birthdays) and something that makes me sad. Paige is practically perfect in every way. She is loving (the majority of the time), imaginative (always), determined (sometimes a bad thing) and strikingly beautiful. I love watching my children grow up but at the same time, they are growing up way too fast.
Paige is also dramatic in every way. She has been dramatic from conception. First of all, she was conceived two weeks after I had a miscarriage. I should have paid attention in health class when they pounded it into our heads that you can get pregnant AT ANY MOMENT! Needless to say, I was not ready to be pregnant again. I wasn't even ready to not be pregnant anymore. I can't say how long it takes to get over a miscarriage but I can promise that it is definitely more than two weeks. Travis and I had decided that we wouldn't be trying again any time soon but Paige had different plans.
My pregnancy was anything but easy. It came at a time when we were trying to make it as owners of a mortgage company and money was tight. Hudson was only 15 months old and I was an emotional wreck. I yelled at Travis, a lot. Then to add to the drama, I had Placenta Previa, so I had to be super careful about everything. And there was no "mommy and daddy" time for 6 months.
During my "travelling baby shower," Paige decided that she wanted some more attention I started bleeding. Very awkward in the middle of Johnny Carino's. We had to cancel the rest of the shower (lunch, mall and makeovers) and go straight to the hospital. At least my hair and my toes looked good (the first stop of the shower was the salon where I got my hair done and a pedicure.) Anyway, the girls had to take me to the hospital where I had to be on bed rest for the whole weekend. Of course this happened on the weekend that Travis and his family was in Lake Cumberland and had to cut the trip short.
Even her delivery was fairly dramatic. It was a planned C section but there was an issue with the placenta, too much bleeding, etc. Then she didn't stop screaming for the first year of her life.
With all of the drama, it is fair to say that I had a hard time bonding with my beautiful baby girl. I just didn't feel the connection that I had the last time I had given birth. I am not sure when it started to change, I guess it was gradual. All I can say now is that I couldn't imagine my life without her.
Paige is still very dramatic but usually in a good way. She loves to dance and sing. Her favorite song to sing is "I love you, I don't hate you." She came up with that one herself. She wants to be an adult. She wears my heels and changes her clothes 5 times a day. She always wants to wear dresses and makeup and she has more purses than I do. She has never seen something shiny or glittery that she didn't like. Her favorite shows are Gilmore Girls and iCarly. She loves to pretend that she is a mommy and talks about her "boyfriend" which is Travis. If you cross her, she will make you pay. If she has her heart set on something, she won't take no for an answer.
I hope that my daughter dreams big and tries hard. I want her to be a strong, independent woman that will go after what she wants even if she will be disappointed in the end. I want her to change the world in her own way. She doesn't need to have a fancy job or title, as long as she is educated and fulfilled, I will feel like I have done my part in raising her. I don't ever want her to lose her sassiness or spunk because that is who she is. I want her to make good decisions and when she doesn't, I want her to take responsibility for them.
It makes my day when someone says she looks like me. We even have the same mole on our bellies in the exact same place and I smile every time I see it. She makes me laugh everyday and I can't get enough of her kisses. (Sometimes when I ask for one she tells me that she doesn't have any because a bad guy took them so I have to give her one of mine.) I love to fix her hair hair and play dress up with her. Today, for her birthday, we had a tea party (with lemonade) at the Bon Bonerie and got our nails done. (She decided at the last minute that she didn't want any one else to do it but she had fun anyway.) I can't even get mad at her when she writes on my walls 'cause she is so stinkin cute. She loves our new baby dog (that is what she calls puppies) more than anything and has a new fascination with worms.
Paige is my everything. My sun rises and sets with her. I am sad that I missed the bonding with her as an infant that I should have had. I don't want to miss any more of her life. If I could record everyday with her I would. I am grateful for the last three years of her life and if I could slow it down I would. I don't want her to grow up.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
I Need To Get a Twinkie in the City
I think I am having a mid life crisis. Or to be more specific, since I hope to live past 60, I think I am having a 40% life crisis. (I am not positive I want to live past 75 as I am fairly sure that if I am going to be robbed of my dignity I would rather it be from a 3 day bender in Atlantic City which ends with a very dramatic high speed car chase in which no one gets hurt and me being hauled off to jail. In the Lifetime movie of my life, I will be played by the teen star turned adult C lister trying to eek out a living doing lame movies about lame people. Where was I? Oh yeah, I don't want to lose my dignity by becoming incontinent and having cats and being alone, since I am younger than almost all of my friends, I am sure everyone will have died before me.)
Apparently, turning 30 (in 3 1/2 months) has made me very dramatic, or at least exasperated the drama that was already inside of me. I am suddenly realizing all of the things that I haven't done in my life that now I may be too old to do. I never went on Spring Break. That was a bad decision or a really good decision because I probably would have made A LOT of bad decisions on Spring Break. It would probably be creepy if I went to Panama City now, huh? I have never been to a nude beach. I am not saying that I have any desire whatsoever to go to one but I am thinking that it would have been a good idea to do that prior to giving birth to and breast feeding two children - you know, when things were still taut and perky. I have never done a keg stand (which seems odd even to me 'cause I really seem like the type.) I have never been to Europe.
Am I still allowed to shop in the Juniors section? Will the other parents at Hudson's school (he starts kindergarten in the fall - yikes!) look at me funny if I get my nose pierced? Am I still allowed to sneak backstage at concerts and try to meet the band? Can I dye my hair blue?
When I was 15, I had a desire to dye my hair blue. I wanted to show my personality through my hair. I wanted to be different and I thought that would be a great way to do it. I told my dad and he said "Ok." All of a sudden, I was less interested. Which is lame and typical, I know, but without the shock value, the appeal of having blue hair plummeted. The other day, I decided "What the H. I am going to do it. It's only hair, right? So I made an appointment. It took 4 hours, 3 bleaches and 2 dye jobs (there was an issue with the timing of my brown hair turning the desired shade of blue) but by the time I left the salon, the lower portion of the left side of my hair was a beautiful navy blue.
I love it! It was totally worth the wait! (I am referring to the wait at the salon, not the 15 years since I told my dad.) It has only been a day, but I think I am going to keep it like this a while - especially since the timing is now all worked out and it won't take 4 hours next time. Maybe next time I will try purple. I am not concerned about what is said about me. I am pretty sure that everyone will say "Wow! That girl is awesome. She has blue hair and it really reflects her personality!" Travis hasn't said much yet. He is probably just trying to think of the right words to tell me how beautiful and awesome and rock star-ish I am now. The kids haven't even noticed yet; as far as blue hair goes, it is pretty subtle. I am really glad I did it now because 30 is too old to dye your hair blue, although I hear it is quite popular with the ladies, age 80 and up.
I, by no means, think that I now have to become a dowdy, overbearing soccer mom, but I also don't feel any older than 24. I am trying to navigate through my youth and into my thirties and while I am excited about who I have become in the last 10 years - a more confident, self assured mother of two with a loving and supportive husband, I am sad to be leaving my second decade. I have accomplished a lot, had tons o'fun and created the masterpieces of my life (my children.) I hope the next 10 years is as kind to me as the last have been. I also hope that I can get a grip on myself and don't end up with blue hair and a nose ring decked out in Miley Cyrus garb doing a keg stand in Panama City with a bunch of 19 year olds. We'll see...
P.S. It should be noted that blog was typed on my Mother's Day gift - a beautiful, blue notebook laptop. Thank you Travis, I love it!!
Apparently, turning 30 (in 3 1/2 months) has made me very dramatic, or at least exasperated the drama that was already inside of me. I am suddenly realizing all of the things that I haven't done in my life that now I may be too old to do. I never went on Spring Break. That was a bad decision or a really good decision because I probably would have made A LOT of bad decisions on Spring Break. It would probably be creepy if I went to Panama City now, huh? I have never been to a nude beach. I am not saying that I have any desire whatsoever to go to one but I am thinking that it would have been a good idea to do that prior to giving birth to and breast feeding two children - you know, when things were still taut and perky. I have never done a keg stand (which seems odd even to me 'cause I really seem like the type.) I have never been to Europe.
Am I still allowed to shop in the Juniors section? Will the other parents at Hudson's school (he starts kindergarten in the fall - yikes!) look at me funny if I get my nose pierced? Am I still allowed to sneak backstage at concerts and try to meet the band? Can I dye my hair blue?
When I was 15, I had a desire to dye my hair blue. I wanted to show my personality through my hair. I wanted to be different and I thought that would be a great way to do it. I told my dad and he said "Ok." All of a sudden, I was less interested. Which is lame and typical, I know, but without the shock value, the appeal of having blue hair plummeted. The other day, I decided "What the H. I am going to do it. It's only hair, right? So I made an appointment. It took 4 hours, 3 bleaches and 2 dye jobs (there was an issue with the timing of my brown hair turning the desired shade of blue) but by the time I left the salon, the lower portion of the left side of my hair was a beautiful navy blue.
I love it! It was totally worth the wait! (I am referring to the wait at the salon, not the 15 years since I told my dad.) It has only been a day, but I think I am going to keep it like this a while - especially since the timing is now all worked out and it won't take 4 hours next time. Maybe next time I will try purple. I am not concerned about what is said about me. I am pretty sure that everyone will say "Wow! That girl is awesome. She has blue hair and it really reflects her personality!" Travis hasn't said much yet. He is probably just trying to think of the right words to tell me how beautiful and awesome and rock star-ish I am now. The kids haven't even noticed yet; as far as blue hair goes, it is pretty subtle. I am really glad I did it now because 30 is too old to dye your hair blue, although I hear it is quite popular with the ladies, age 80 and up.
I, by no means, think that I now have to become a dowdy, overbearing soccer mom, but I also don't feel any older than 24. I am trying to navigate through my youth and into my thirties and while I am excited about who I have become in the last 10 years - a more confident, self assured mother of two with a loving and supportive husband, I am sad to be leaving my second decade. I have accomplished a lot, had tons o'fun and created the masterpieces of my life (my children.) I hope the next 10 years is as kind to me as the last have been. I also hope that I can get a grip on myself and don't end up with blue hair and a nose ring decked out in Miley Cyrus garb doing a keg stand in Panama City with a bunch of 19 year olds. We'll see...
P.S. It should be noted that blog was typed on my Mother's Day gift - a beautiful, blue notebook laptop. Thank you Travis, I love it!!
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