I'm Bringing Pale Back!

I bared my legs for the first time this year today. It wasn't a lot of skin but it was definitely enough to blind a few people. I wore a dress that came to just above my knees and my calf-high boots so I had a good 5 inches of gleaming white skin showing. My legs are so white they border on transparent.

For a brief stint in my early twenties (before I was wise like I am now - I am practically 30!) I was pretty much addicted to the tanning bed. I went about every other day. I would feel pale if I went more than 2 days without going. I bought unlimited packages at the tanning salon so I could go as often as possible. I was insanely tan for my wedding - I actually did go every single day for a couple of weeks. (Luckily I got married in July so I didn't look like one of those really creepy tan people that look like they live in Barbados in the middle of winter.) I read an article once about how something in the UV rays makes your brain release serotonin so that you actually get a high from tanning and therefore become addicted. Luckily, I was able to quit without the help of Promises Rehab Center (although I would have liked being in there with Britney and Lindsay - we could have shared some stories!) I think I was able to quit because we moved to Blanchester. We were about 25 minutes from the nearest tanning salon and that was just too far for me to drive. I am many things but at the top of the list is LAZY - even for a tanning bed high!

As with most things in the world, there are pros and cons to the tanning bed. The pros being: if you don't overdo it, you have a healthy glow about you and look darn good. (For some reason tan fat looks better than white fat. Pretty much everyone I know agrees to this but I have yet to find someone that can tell me why.) It is good for the economy - there is probably about a billion dollars a year spent on the tanning industry (that is not an exact amount.) It keeps oncologists and dermatologists unemployment rates down (all those tanning bed addicts will eventually have to have their cancer cured and their wrinkles ironed out and sun spots removed.) The cons of tanning are as follows: cancer and wrinkles (stating the obvious), a lot of wasted energy (sorry Al Gore), and confidence issues for the pale people (me excluded - I own it!)

Anyway, I say we start a revolution! Down with the tanning beds! Get out your SPF 80 and slather it on! Don't worry about your white fat because it has to stay covered up so you don't get cancer. Put on your sun safe clothes and hats and join me in the shade. Those tanners may look good now but in a few years their skin will look like leather. Plus, when they lose all their hair (from the chemo) they won't look better than us anymore! They will have to stop tanning and they will be frail and thin and pale. Even white fat looks better than white skin and bones. We can form a picket line (preferably inside, away from the sun) to warn of the dangers of tanning. We can have support groups for recovering tanaholics. It will be awesome! We will save energy and lives. Don't worry about the oncologists or the dermatologists. There is plenty of other cancers to cure and teenagers with skin problems to keep them in business. Pale is the new tan!