How Garry Marshall, Julia Roberts and Richard Gere Ruined My Life

***The following piece of writing is purely a work of satire. Although the views in this blog are 100% my true feelings, I do know the difference between fact and fiction. Pretty Woman did not, in fact, ruin my life. It has only succeeded in irritating me and exacerbating societal issues with young girls and women of lesser intelligence and more susceptibility to the power of suggestion.***

In 1990, the movie Pretty Woman opened in wide release. It was critically acclaimed and nominated for several awards. It won a Golden Globe for Best Comedy. Of course, since I was ten when the movie came out, and because my parents were "involved" in my life, I didn't get to see it until I was almost 12 at a friend's house. (Her mother was decidedly less involved than mine.)

Considering the director is a beloved and well respected member of Hollywood and the fact that the leading roles are played by none other than "America's Sweetheart" and an "American Gigolo" (I am pretty sure that Vick still won't let me watch that movie) the movie has done well for itself in the last 20 years. Just ask any woman over the age of 25. It is the modern day Cinderella story (don't get me started on Cinderella...) But here is the problem. Not only is the movie filled with gum drops and rainbows so to speak, it also says "Go ahead, be a whore. Your prince will come one day and there will be no judgement."

But, I am here to tell you, it is a load of crap. Power brokers may in fact pick up a hooker in downtown LA but they aren't going to let you drive their six figure price tag, BORROWED car. They will not take you to the Hilton. They will not ask you to leave when they think you are doing drugs (because they are more than likely snorting a line of coke off of your belly) and they certainly will not think you are cute when you a guffawing at "I Love Lucy."

Men who pick up hookers do not care that "kissing on the mouth is too personal." They won't give you thousands of dollars to buy a dress so that you can eat escargot with a whale of a client. They don't want you to spend the week with them.

There are so many lies and fabrications in this movie it has surpassed ridiculousness. Really ladies, this is our fantasy? Do we want to be hookers and have to sell our bodies to make rent cause our crackhead roommate Kit spent it on drugs (and really? we keep the rent money in the toilet tank?) No, I say, if you want to be a hooker, be a hooker! But let's be honest about it and not have false expectations that we will soon meet a man that will ride up to our apartment in a white limo and climb the fire escape to whisk us off to life of luxury after knowing us for a week (in the regular and biblical sense.)

If you are going to be a hooker, just say, "I don't want to get a real job." I want to have sex and get paid for it (even if you tell yourself and others it is to pay for law school....) But you should be prepared for the fact that any man that sleeps with you while you are a hooker (or even a stripper, for that matter) will never marry you. He will never take you to the opera or a polo match. He will never tell any of his friends exactly how you make a living. (He will, however, tell them you are in public relations. That is assuming he is ever inclined to introduce you to any one he has ever met.)

You have to own it, ladies. Don't buy into the fairy tale. It is called a fairy tale for a reason. Because it will never happen. Be strong, independent women. Don't be hookers. Unless that is what YOU choose to do, then by all means do it. But don't make excuses. I am not interested in excuses.

And to you Garry Marshall, Julia Roberts and Richard Gere- kudos to you for making one hell of a movie!